Life

A story of Wine, among other things

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It’s weird working at the school you went to only a semester ago.  Working at the college is infinitely different than attending it for many reasons.  Some reasons include the way I have lots of work, but no homework at all.  The other is how the semester passes, and I’m not really involved in it.  It’s happening around me, but I am not a participant.  I’m not aware of add dates, midterms, clubs, tests.   There is also the authority thing.  Before, everyone assumed I was twenty one and just like them.  Now I wear the weight of my thirty one years, and I am Someone To Listen To.  This, and my hilarious new boss, have been the best things.

Event season is upon us, starting with the Cirque Du Solei symposium in two weeks.  My boss, Liz,  and I spent an hour last Friday in BevMo, on a wine field trip.

“Um… are both of those carts yours?” the employee asked when he saw us, cases of wine and champagne piled high.

“Yup, both ours,” we said.

“Having a party?” he said.

“We’re stocking up for the whole semester,” I said by way of making things better somehow.  I don’t think the guy believed it.  Still, he helped us load down Liz’s cherry red car and we drove back to the college.  I had a place cleared for all nine cases the corner of my office, in the warren that is the basement of historic Smith Hall.  We called the two student workers to come over with the dolly and transport it for us.  They wheeled the dolly gleefully out to Liz’s car, and made a plan for getting it through the door.

“I don’t think we have to load it off the dolly when we go down the stairs,” said Marcus.  “The wheels are big.  I think we can just back it down, if we’re really careful.”

“I don’t know,” I said.  “Are you sure that will work?  I mean, there’s a lot of wine, and it will be heavy.”

“No, I’m pretty sure we can make it work,” he said.

“Meh, okay,” I said.  “I will trust to your expertise.”

“Wait, what did you just say to me?” he said.

“Um… I’ll trust your expert opinion?” I said.

“Wow, I don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me before.  Did you hear that?” he nudged the other student worker, ” I’m an expert.”

Yup.  Sometimes this authority thing is fun.

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Making Good Art – With a Vengeance

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Sorry for the radio silence.  This has been a week.  And not the good kind.  It started when Brian and I spent Sunday in the vet’s office with a very sick dog.  I was babysitting the pack of two for my mother when she was visiting in Nipomo. Spunky, golden Molly waddled out of the bushes Sunday morning, threw up on the red bricks of the patio twice, and then collapsed.  We spread a sheet in the back of our white Chevy Malibu and took her right in.  She’ll live, but she needed surgery for the plastic shards of the dental floss box that she ate, as well as all the floss that tangled in her tract.  She’s already been informed that she’s not allowed to eat weird things anymore.

Monday culminated in probably the worst rejection I’ve ever received.  My senior thesis will not be published.  The representatives from the journal were not just discouraging.  They were outright vitriolic.  They were mean-spirited and self-righteous in ways only academics can achieve.  I cried a few times.  I tried to figure out if it could be re-written.  Without the funds of the school behind me, additional research to do re-writes will be nigh impossible.  I don’t know any Deaf historians who would critique it for me, and I hate asking favors of even people I know.

I called it a day on non-fiction.  I read Neil Gaiman’s Make Good Art and was able to edit four chapters of my novel.  I realized how much I enjoyed being a historian again, if only for fifteen minutes or so, and how much I’d like to go to grad school.

Halloween opens at Disneyland today.  The new fiscal year starts in 2 weeks.  To say that I have been busy at work would be an understatement.  I have been running around frantically, arms full of costumes and fabric and shipping documents, and still failing to get a full third of all the things done.     At the second job, I still can’t figure out how to order office supplies.  I don’t have paperclips, or even a pair of scissors.  I have to go three buildings over if I need to use the copier.  I can’t get the temperamental data reporting system to work for me, either.

Brian read Clutter Busting by Brooks Palmer for book club at his church this week.  Then he made me read it too.  It’s been a good thing, but we spent most of our time this week talking about what is emotionally wrong with us that we have to collect all this stuff.  Clean out day is Sunday, and I have a feeling we’ll be trashing a lot of things.

I hope this weekend is better.  I don’t think I can take another week like the one I just lived through.  I’m charging on, though.  I’m making good art.

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Twitter Love

It is one of those days when it feels like disaster is imminent, but never seems to arrive.  I was almost late for work, but the traffic resolved itself.  It sounded like we had a major costuming miss-communication that cost us thousands of dollars, but then we saw the pictures.  I thought I left my lunch at home, and then I realized I planned ahead and it’s in the fridge at work.  I’m left with the feeling that I’m probably just a very paranoid person. 

In better news, I’ve been given the OK to man the Twitter account at work!  We’re @ChapmanCoPA if you’re interested.  Lots of performing art stuff will be posted.  I am absolutely in love with Twitter.  I find it hard to explain just what Twitter is, though.  It’s really all about stalking celebrities, and being challenged to hold your thoughts to 140 characters.  It has amazing things that Facebook does not.  This does not, however, explain to a boss why it’s necessary to have.  Luckily, she just took me at my word.

There are many things I would not know exist in this world if it wasn’t for Twitter.  Here are several.  You should really check them out.

 

Spock Twerking: http://uncalar.tumblr.com/post/59912990726/i-had-a-half-hour-before-dinner-so-i-drew-spock

Devo Raccoon: http://www.etsy.com/listing/154338448/devo-raccoon-anthropomorphic-taxidermy?ref=&sref=

Martin Short Eating Donuts: https://twitter.com/SteveMartinToGo/status/376194825692782593/photo/1

Gates Mcfadden’s 1/8th: http://ensemblestudiotheatrela.tumblr.com/

 

Is there anything better than this ridiculousness?  Well, maybe crepes.

 

 

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On Feminism

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Brian and I have been talking a lot about feminism lately.  I have recently become comfortable calling myself a feminist in public.  I feel like I finally understand why it’s important that people do label themselves feminists, and work for women’s right to do anything they want to.  I’m glad I feel that way, but I also feel like feminism has failed me.  In a big way.

I’ll just admit it.  I hate myself most of the time.  I cringe every time I pick that size twelve off the rack, or take a bite of that poppy seed muffin, or notice the hair growing between my eyebrows.  My teeth are not straight.  My face is square and funny.  I have a cabbage patch nose.  My torso is long and my legs are short.  I am in no way able to conform to the magazine ideal.  Even if I could become a size 1, I would still not look like I am “supposed to.”  All women are beautiful in a way of course, but those of us labeled as cute, or unique, understand what that means.  It’s the nice way to say “doesn’t measure up.”  I hate myself for hating myself, too.  It’s a vicious cycle.

I told my mother once that I think of women loathing themselves as being an American Cultural trait.  I have never met another woman who didn’t also have these feelings.  From lamenting about pre-child bodies, to Spanx, to spray tan, to diets, we are all trying to be something we can’t.  All of us.  Some of us just hide it better than others.

Feminism has given me the knowledge that this is a socially constructed, impossible ideal.  I’m not crazy, society is.  That’s nice, of course, but it hasn’t helped me at all.  I still loathe myself for the handful of Nerds I ate yesterday, the crepe I had Saturday morning for breakfast.  I still wish I was a size 4.  I still pull on Spanx beneath my dress.  Feminism has not given me anything except the knowledge that I am unable separate myself from the cultural messages surrounding me.  I feel trapped.  I don’t know how to move forward from here.  Can thirty years of self-loathing even be turned into something empowering?  Is it even possible to get out?  Is my inability to stop caring something new I should be hating myself for?

Brian thinks the reason I don’t know how to move forward is that there is no roadmap on how to move forward.  Women’s stories aren’t told unless they are the careful version everyone expects, the unrealistic version.  I know this is where my fascination with Amanda Palmer lies.  She is living something else.  Whether that version of something else works for me or not it is amazing to see what is possible, and that at least one person can do it.  It gives me just a tiny smidgeon of hope.

I don’t have any answers.  I don’t think there are any answers to this.  I think we should be kinder to each other and not tell other women they can’t or that something they choose willingly and knowingly is unfeminist.  I think we can all spend a little time figuring out if we do something because society tells us to or if we really like it.  But at the end of the day, will that help me feel OK about my short, bitten fingernails or the stubble on my legs?  I don’t really expect that it will.

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I Don’t Recommend It.

I had my first cold sores last week.  I don’t recommend it.  They’re pretty awful really.  I got Abreva like the drugstore clerk told me to, and I was upset that it didn’t seem to be cutting the pain at all.  Then, I washed my face and washed off the Abreva.  Holy cow was it doing a lot.  I just didn’t know it.  I am also swallowing massive amounts of Lysine, in Mike & Ike sized white lozenges.  If you can avoid it, don’t ever get a cold sore.  Trust me.

I mostly mention this because it’s made me realize just how spoiled I am.  I have not been kissed in 14 days.  This is a very long time.  Brian and I have a pact that neither is allowed to leave the other without a kiss.  We kiss each other when I drop him off at work in the mornings.  We kiss when I leave to go to the grocery store.  We kiss when he gathers up his books to go to D&D.  We even kiss when we’re angry at each other, quick pecks followed by terse goodbyes.  That’s how much of a habit this has become. 

Cold sores are not something I would wish on anyone.  Kissing is out.  Instead, I’ve been pressing my cheek to his and giving him a hug, or fluttering my eyelashes against his cheek in a butterfly kiss.  It’s not the same.  At all.  In fact, it is decidedly unsatisfying.

Of all the annoyances I would expect of getting a cold sore, this is the one I would not have foreseen.  I’m much better now.  I promise.  I think I might even be safe to kiss again.  Maybe.  Probably.  Well, soon anyway.

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Brown Birds and Journals

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Writers Keep Journals.  That’s what they tell me.  I don’t doubt the veracity of this claim, but I know that I am terrible at this.  They never seem to stick.  For a while, I kept an electronic version.  This was good when I was in school and almost always had my laptop with me.  It was more of an emotional dump space, though, and grew to become a 75 page document.  I had to go through later and edit the literary bits into a separate document so I could find them.  A teacher I had insisted that we keep a hard copy, and carry it with us always.  Inevitably, I wouldn’t transfer it from my school bag to my purse, or forget it for weeks as it mingled with my D&D books between games.  Sigh.

I’ve decided to try again.  I bought a red Moleskein, purse-sized, and so far have written nothing but a quote in it.  “Bury your body in the constellations.  ~Zen Proverb.”  I don’t know if this is really a Zen proverb, but Twitter says it is.  The internet is always right, right?

I went through my old hard copy the other day, a blue Moleskein – the inexpensive kind with the paper cover.  On the first page, I found an entry about a bird I saw when I parked in front of my grandfather’s house for breakfast one morning.  It was perched on my father’s car, a black Nisan Rogue.

It was one of those brown birds, small and speckled.  The kind that are everywhere, mobbing your at the National Mall in Washington DC, and hopping ever closer at the local café, always eyeing your french-fries.  It seemed to be in some sort of fight with its reflection in the passenger side mirror.  It perched with its feet tucked beneath the mirror, clinging as it puffed its feathers and pecked at the brown reflection, and then falling back as its feet failed to gain purchase on the plastic.  It’s wings fluttered, and it landed on the roof.  Then it hopped back to the mirror, fell back, and returned to the roof.  I watched it from my car, sweat trickling down my forehead.  It was determined to drive the interloper from its territory.  It kept hopping.  I smiled.

The clock on my dashboard read 9:08.  I was already overdue.  I watched the bird make a few more circuits, and then I opened my car door and walked into the house.  The bird was not there anymore when we came out to drive to breakfast.

Perhaps keeping a journal is worth it after all, hard as it is.  I don’t know that I would have remembered the fierce brown bird had I not wrote him down all those months ago.

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Research: It Runs in the Family

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I taught my mother some of my internet research tricks last night.  She’s trying to figure out the life stories of the people who lived in her house in Maine.  The house was build in the 1880s, and it looks out on The Gut, a river-sized inlet of ocean between Rutherford Island and the rest of South Bristol.  Plenty of people have lived there.  The lawn of the house slopes down to either a flat of mud or lapping waves, depending on the tide.  Bright lobster boats speed past.  The other side of the shore looks like a Charles Wysocki painting; the way the colorful houses perch on the green hillside.  The community is one of ship builders and lobstermen.  Even today, you can see the men in their forest green galoshes and overalls traipsing together down the road speckled with Victorian houses, case of beer clutched in one’s hand.  Unless you want to pay $12.00 a pound for potato salad at the little blue summer store, the nearest grocery is thirty minutes away.  Home Depot is almost an hour and a half. 

There are many books on South Bristol, and my mother has been through them all.  Between that and the stories of her neighbor and driveway-sharer, Ronnie, we have a decent picture of the prior inhabitants. 

The house was built by Harvey Oliver.  The old portion of the house is tiny.  One bedroom was turned into a bathroom, tucked under the eaves.  The other barely fits a twin bed, but the view from the wide, tall windows in both rooms is filled with sea and sky.   Mr. Oliver was quite the carpenter.  There are closets.  In a house of this age, that is a minor miracle.  A corner shelf, fluted top, stands in the living room.  Tucked under the stairs is a meticulous job of small drawers.  Harvey Oliver died less than a year after the last board was laid.  His family sold the house. 

The Kelsey’s moved in.  The record seems to show that Horace came from a long line of prolific ship builders.  His wife, Myra Clifford, and their son Alton also moved in.  Along the way, they also picked up a boy named Maxwell House.  Whatever happened to his parents, Max couldn’t live with them.  The Kelsey’s gave him a home and he became a second son.  Maxwell had the room under the eaves.  Alton had the little bedroom.  Tragedy touched them.  Alton died young.  We don’t know of what, or when, but he is in the census at 16 years of age, and appears deceased in the next.  When Horace died, he and Myra left their estate to Max. 

In the 1970’s, Max sold the house to Stevie Plummer.  Stevie got married, and together in the 1980s they put in a modern kitchen and master bedroom.  Those two rooms alone almost double the size of the house.  The stove backs up to an old chimney.  The kitchen counters are Formica with a metal rim.  Oak paneling adorns all.  Before the renovations were finished, Stevie got a divorce.  The renovation was never finished.  He set his bed on the plywood subfloor upstairs.  The windows were never framed out.  He died young of a heart attack.  He was in his 50s. 

Stevie’s daughter moved in with her two children for a while, but the house was in terrible shape by this time.  Stevie saved fuel by shutting up the old side of the house, only using the kitchen and half-finished bedroom.  Plaster was peeling off the walls.  The floors were painted a rainbow of browns.  Leaded white came off the hallway doors in flakes.  The upstairs bathroom had nothing but holes in the floors.  The pipes downstairs were rusting.  Creosote collected in the ceiling.   The daughter sold the house to my mother and stepdad.  They have been in constant construction since, and cousin Jeff loaned a little of his own carpentry skill to add to Harvey Oliver’s work. 

We know a lot, but there are so many holes; the death of Alton, Max’s parentage, the lives and professions of Horace and Myra, the reason Harvey Oliver built the house in the first place at so advanced an age.  I have research skills now.  Maybe we won’t find anything, but maybe we will.  I showed my mother some of my favorite sites and we found fun information about South Bristol, if not about the inhabitants of the house. 

We started on World Cat (www.worldcat.org), a database of all books that have ever been printed ever.  They seriously have everything, and you can sort by oldest to newest and get primary source info pretty quickly.  At the bottom of the page, it lists all the libraries you can get the book from, and it also has all the information you would need to get it from Interlibrary Loan.  My favorite thing!

We moved to searchable PDFs next.  Many colleges put their archives up on http://www.archive.org, so we searched and found an out of print book on South Bristol.  Typing Ctrl F brings up a box and you can get right to the subject matter you need.  We put in Kelsey, and found a prolific ship builder much older than Harvey.  Maybe his father? 

My last trick was the Library of Congress Digital Archives.  Those are tons of fun.  They don’t have everything, but they have a lot.  We found many pictures of ancient South Bristol.  Then we searched Bob’s last name and found that his uncle had done an interview with them about the air force in WWII, tapes available in Washington DC only. 

It was a great night.  My mother could barely tear herself away from the computer to say goodbye.  I think she’s definitely as hooked on this stuff as I am.  Next up might be a book on the subject.  You know, once my novel is finished.

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Things I Learned This Week:

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My father still looks handsome in a beard, although he looks rather more like Santa Claus than he used to. 

There is no better way to make a girl feel welcome than to give her a (gigantic) office and a laptop computer, unless it is a pink polka dot card explaining how glad they are to have her.

I don’t actually know the real words to The Battle Hymn of the Republic.  I do know several verses worth of inappropriate words.  This includes “My Eyes Have Seen The Glory of the Burning of the School,” “Teacher Hit Me with a Ruler,” and “Pink Pajamas.”

I am an introvert with a vengeance.  Luckily, most skills are learned ones (even the social kind).

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Not for the Library Card

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I got a new job.  I’m at Disney too, still, for twenty hours a week.  But I have a new job!  You’ll never guess where I’m working.  That’s right, it’s Chapman University.  I’ll be working for the College of Performing Arts, and I’m very excited about it.

Events!  New Buildings!  Business Clothes!  Theater!  Musicians!  Dancers! Really Cool Boss!

On my first day of Senior Thesis, professor Slayton had us all write down things we hated about Chapman and asked us to introduce ourselves and say our thing.  When it was my turn, I honestly couldn’t think of anything. 

“Really?” he said.  “Well, I have good news for you.  At the end of your time you can go to HR and they’ll give you a blazer and let you tell everyone how great it is.”  Slayton is a blonde, bearded, very loud New Yorker.    

We all laughed. 

I’m glad it’s become prophetic.  I never wanted to leave.   And I’ll have you know that I didn’t take the job just for the library card (Interlibrary Loan, I’m back!!!!).

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Jane Austen Band-Aids

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At August Thanksgiving last weekend, Julie gave me a box of Jane Austen band-aids.  They are the most hilarious thing ever.  They have a woman in a pink Regency gown clutching a floral bonnet on them.  They come in a metal tin with the phrase “free prize inside!!!” on the outside in white cursive.  They also come in two colors: pink swirly background and blue swirly background. 

“This is awesome!” I told both Brian and Julie.  “See, Brian can use the blue bandages, and I’ll use the pink.  The blue bandages are super-manly and obviously for sharing purposes.”

“Oh yes,” said Brian.  “I’ll definitely be using those.”

Last night, I cut myself last night on a can of soda in a moment of sheer idiocy.  I’m fine.  No signs of lockjaw yet.  I have never been so excited to be bleeding in my life.  Jane Austen band-aid!!!  I opened the tin to take one out, and found the free prize. 

It is a temporary tattoo.

Of a corn-dog with one bite taken out.

This tickled me more than I can possibly say.  I spent most of the morning trying to explain to Brian why I could not stop laughing.  There is just something about the phallic-ness of a hot dog that when coupled with corn bread and a stick, and the high class romanticism of Jane Austen, becomes something transcendent.  Not to mention the fact that it’s been bitten; or is a temporary tattoo.  It potentially makes so many comments about society. 

“I’m sure it was an accident.  You know, I’ll bet they just put whatever in there like they do in the Cracker Jack boxes,” said Brian.

“Yes, but doesn’t that make it even better?” I said.

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