Author Archives: caseykins

Things I Learned This Week:

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My father still looks handsome in a beard, although he looks rather more like Santa Claus than he used to. 

There is no better way to make a girl feel welcome than to give her a (gigantic) office and a laptop computer, unless it is a pink polka dot card explaining how glad they are to have her.

I don’t actually know the real words to The Battle Hymn of the Republic.  I do know several verses worth of inappropriate words.  This includes “My Eyes Have Seen The Glory of the Burning of the School,” “Teacher Hit Me with a Ruler,” and “Pink Pajamas.”

I am an introvert with a vengeance.  Luckily, most skills are learned ones (even the social kind).

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Summer Reading List:

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I usually try to keep a summer reading list.  I work year-round these days, so I’m not sure why a summer reading list is different than any other season.  For some reason it seems appropriate, though.  It’s fun to look back and see what you thought, what you liked and didn’t.  I was a little bit of a slacker this summer.  I didn’t read nearly as much as I usually do, due to afghans, no lunch breaks, summer school, and Hulu, among other things.  Still, I think it’s a pretty respectable list.  I started keeping track the week I graduated.  Chapman starts school next week (in which I’ll finish Archer’s Goon), so summer is officially over. 

  1. Anne of Green Gables – L. M. Montgomery (Read a thousand times before, and love)
  2. Anne of Avonlea – L. M. Montgomery (Ditto for all Anne novels…)
  3. Anne of the Island – L. M. Montgomery
  4. Anne’s House of Dreams – L. M. Montgomery
  5. The Blue Castle – L. M. Montgomery (Okay, maybe ditto for all LM Montgomery novels)
  6. Beauty Queens – Libba Bray (Hilarious mash up of the Miss America pageant and Lord of the Flies)
  7. Don Quixote – Miguel De Cervantes (Not at all like I thought it would be.  Much funnier, in a winky ‘you get the joke’ sort of way)
  8. The Thirteenth Child – Patricia C. Wrede (Alternative history, magic, and the frontier? Yes!!)
  9. Beyond the Great Barrier – Patricia C. Wrede (Continuation of the above.  Not as good, really, and ends on a cliffhanger.  Boo.  Still debating on whether I’ll read 3)
  10. The Enchanted Chocolate Pot – Patricia C. Wrede and Caroline Stevermer (I’m now convinced I need to find someone to do this with me.  The letter game becomes a magical novel set in Regency England)
  11. The Grand Tour – Patricia C. Wrede and Caroline Stevermer (And now they’re both married!!!  I admit this is smut, but I like it anyway)
  12. Spindle’s End – Robin McKinley (Sleeping Beauty kicks ass in typical fairy tale setting)
  13. Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen (Another re-read.  Eleanor’s silent heartbreak is why I keep returning, I think)
  14. The Ocean at the End of the Lane – Neil Gaiman (Neil Gaiman!!! Need I say more?  It was better than any of his other things, and this is saying a LOT)
  15. Make Good Art – Neil Gaiman (Art book that oddly reads like he spoke it.  Brilliant.)
  16. A Matter of Magic (really two novels put into one) – Patricia C. Wrede (Oh, why do I love these things so much?  It’s smut, but it’s such FUN smut… This one has a coming out party!)
  17. On Being Ill – Virginia Woolf (Wow.  Short read, and highly recommended)
  18. A Safeway in Arizona – Tom Zoellner (Also another wow.  It’s so much less political and much more human than I thought it would be, and I loved every bit of it.  Heartbreaking in spots, and a lot to think about)
  19. Flannery O’Connor, The Complete Stories – Flannery O’Connor (I realized that I just don’t like her.  A lot of it is about southern racism in the 1950s and I just don’t understand and can’t empathize.)
  20. The Mislaid Magician, or Ten Years Later – Patricia C. Wrede and Caroline Stevermer (The letters continue.  They all have children now!!!)
  21. Arthur – by some lady from Scripps College (I can’t decide if I find her argument that Arthur was real compelling because it is, or because I so want Arthur to be real)
  22. Four Queens – Nancy Goldstone  (Makes me very glad I wasn’t a woman in the middle ages, and yet I can’t put it down.  It’s gripping)
  23. Archer’s Goon – Diana Wynne Jones (Reminds me much of The Game, but more satisfying.  Not as well-written a book as Dogsbody or Fire and Hemlock, but infinitely fun and funny like most of her work.) 

I had hoped to get to these, but didn’t.  On the to-read list (and checked out of the library, so it will be soon):

  1. The Hero and the Crown – Robin McKinley
  2. Kung Fu High School – Ryan Gattis (a former teacher of mine with such an amazing command of craft)
  3. The Big Drop: Homecoming – Ryan Gattis
  4. Chalice – Robin McKinley
  5. The Name of the Wind – Patrick Rothfuss (because it was recommended as a must read)
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Not for the Library Card

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I got a new job.  I’m at Disney too, still, for twenty hours a week.  But I have a new job!  You’ll never guess where I’m working.  That’s right, it’s Chapman University.  I’ll be working for the College of Performing Arts, and I’m very excited about it.

Events!  New Buildings!  Business Clothes!  Theater!  Musicians!  Dancers! Really Cool Boss!

On my first day of Senior Thesis, professor Slayton had us all write down things we hated about Chapman and asked us to introduce ourselves and say our thing.  When it was my turn, I honestly couldn’t think of anything. 

“Really?” he said.  “Well, I have good news for you.  At the end of your time you can go to HR and they’ll give you a blazer and let you tell everyone how great it is.”  Slayton is a blonde, bearded, very loud New Yorker.    

We all laughed. 

I’m glad it’s become prophetic.  I never wanted to leave.   And I’ll have you know that I didn’t take the job just for the library card (Interlibrary Loan, I’m back!!!!).

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Jane Austen Band-Aids

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At August Thanksgiving last weekend, Julie gave me a box of Jane Austen band-aids.  They are the most hilarious thing ever.  They have a woman in a pink Regency gown clutching a floral bonnet on them.  They come in a metal tin with the phrase “free prize inside!!!” on the outside in white cursive.  They also come in two colors: pink swirly background and blue swirly background. 

“This is awesome!” I told both Brian and Julie.  “See, Brian can use the blue bandages, and I’ll use the pink.  The blue bandages are super-manly and obviously for sharing purposes.”

“Oh yes,” said Brian.  “I’ll definitely be using those.”

Last night, I cut myself last night on a can of soda in a moment of sheer idiocy.  I’m fine.  No signs of lockjaw yet.  I have never been so excited to be bleeding in my life.  Jane Austen band-aid!!!  I opened the tin to take one out, and found the free prize. 

It is a temporary tattoo.

Of a corn-dog with one bite taken out.

This tickled me more than I can possibly say.  I spent most of the morning trying to explain to Brian why I could not stop laughing.  There is just something about the phallic-ness of a hot dog that when coupled with corn bread and a stick, and the high class romanticism of Jane Austen, becomes something transcendent.  Not to mention the fact that it’s been bitten; or is a temporary tattoo.  It potentially makes so many comments about society. 

“I’m sure it was an accident.  You know, I’ll bet they just put whatever in there like they do in the Cracker Jack boxes,” said Brian.

“Yes, but doesn’t that make it even better?” I said.

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The Algonquin Cinderella

This is another story that started as a class excercise.  The assignment was to write a story based on a fairy tale, but to put it in a modern setting.  I hereby present the 2013 version of The Algonquin Cinderella:

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Tallika felt like wax, melting in the corner as the music reverberated through her chest.  She stood and watched the people thrashing all over the vast and modern living room, colored lights washed over their bodies.  The wall of glass windows looked out on a private beach, but she couldn’t see a trace of it.  All she could see was the dancers reflected back at her, purple and green in the lights.  She was a fool to have thought she was ready for this, so soon after the accident.

“It will be dark,” said her youngest sister.  “No one will notice the scars on your face and you should come.  You can’t hide forever, this will be good practice.  Besides, you can’t drink on your meds and we need a designated driver.  Take one for the team.”

“We can’t miss an Amos Andrews party,” said her oldest sister. “You have to come with us.”

So Tallika hid her face behind a waterfall of black hair, slipped on impossible shoes, and came.

She could see both of her sisters in the crowd.  One of them had her arms draped across a man’s shoulders, her legs entwined with his as they rocked to the music.  The other struggled to shed her white leather jacket, shimmying her shoulders and sloshing her pink drink across the white rug.  Tallika felt the hard expanse of wall behind her back.  She switched her full glass of water to her other hand and wiped the condensation on her floral print dress.

A couple with their arms moving frantically under each other’s clothes stumbled out of the crowd and into Tallika’s elbow.  Water sloshed across her front.

“Hey!” she said.  The man waved an apology, but did not dislodge his lips from the other girl’s mouth.

What a fool for dressing up for this travesty.

She watched the surging crowd and considered leaving; breaking the girl code and going home to her soft bed.  But her sisters would be stranded.  In a house with strange and drunk men.  Who knows what would happen to them.  She sighed.  The water on her leg was warm now.  She looked at the glass, thought of the ocean, and resolved to find the door to the outside.

Tallika took a deep breath and then plunged into the horror of the light hallway, her head down. She did not meet anyone before she stumbled upon a glass door that led out to the sparkling pool rimmed with hydrangeas, and then down to the beach.  It was quiet here, only the faint sounds of music bumping through the night air.  The blades of sea grass brushed her knees, and her high wedges sunk sideways into the sand.  She kicked them off and carried them.  A breeze whipped her skirt across her legs.

The grass gave way to pure gray sand, stretching out before her.  It was low tide, and she could barely see the glimmer of water in the distance.  Instead, the moon glistened on the dark wet sand, making a silver trail to the sea.  In the sky, the Milky Way blazed another white trail through peppered pinpoints of stars.

Her sisters danced in the house behind her.  In a back room somewhere, the couple that ran into her were stripping off their clothes thinking only of each other.  She would never have that now.  The scars on Tallika’s face felt hot.  She began to cry.

“Surely it can’t be that bad,” said a deep voice to her right.

She turned.  A man in jeans and a white sweater sat against the dunes.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t know anyone else was here, it’s just… it’s my first time since…”  Tallika started sobbing outright, gulps of air shaking her body.

“Hey, hey,” he said.  “Are you OK?  Do you want me to call someone?  What happened?”

Tallika struggled to swallow the lump in her throat.  “No, I’m fine.  Really I am.  I just haven’t been out in a while.  I mean, out to a party, and it’s harder than I thought.”

“If someone’s hurt you, we should do something about it.”

“No, it’s nothing like that.” Tallika said.  “I promise I’m fine.  No one has hurt me.  I…” she took a gulp of air.  “It’s, it’s this,” she turned, and pushed her hair away from her face so he could fully see it.

She pictured what he saw.  A pink melted mass of skin that dripped over her forehead and across her cheek, grotesque.  “It happened about six months ago.  My older sister, we shared an apartment.  There was a party one night, and she passed out with a lit cigarette in my bedroom. It was an accident. ”

He shook his head.  “Hell, that’s a tough break.”

Tallika felt a hysterical laugh rise in her throat but she bit it back.  “A tough break?  It’s a lot shittier than that, my friend.”

“Hey, it’s probably not as bad as you think it is.  Your hair covers it, I wouldn’t have known if you didn’t show me.”

“And it’s dark,” she said.  “Yeah, that’s what they tell me. I’m still getting used to not having a face.” She sat on the sand near him. “So what’s your story, why are you out here away from the party?”

“Really it’s because I can’t stand those people.  My sister says that wild parties and girls are good for my image,” he said, “so here I am.  But I don’t have to like it.”

“Good for your image to be seen at one of these?” she asked.

“Well, sort of… OK, you told me yours, I’ll tell you mine… uh,” he cleared his throat.  “Amos Andrews, nice to meet you.  My sister thinks hosting these parties are good PR.  I mean, I guess they are too.”

“Nice to meet you.   Yours is much worse than mine.  No wonder you ran away!”

“Oh don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?” she asked.

“I have a brilliant idea.  Let’s just be normal people, OK?  With superficial problems that don’t mean anything.  We can keep each other company.”

Tallika smiled.  “I’d like that very much.”

Hours later, Tallika looked over at him, throwing his head back and laughing in the moonlight.  His curly hair bobbed, his smile was a perfect crescent.  A single star fell out of the sky and streaked toward the earth.

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Weekend Miscellany

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This weekend has mostly been a confluence of crazy events and family.  My father, a teacher, set out on his motorcycle two weeks ago and hasn’t been back.  We usually have breakfast every Saturday morning.  He texted me this week to say that he’s east of the Mississippi.  Must be nice to just pick up and go like that.  Hop on the back of a bike with the wind in your hair and see the country. 

Brian’s mom put on a fabulous Thanksgiving in August for us on Saturday.  His sister Julie is here from Virginia, a rare occurrence.  There was a turkey in the freezer.  It really was kismet.  Brian and I brought the Martinelli’s and tried to stay out of their way in the small kitchen.  I brought my knitting and my ukulele, and played while Brian sang LP’s “Into the Wild” for Julie, who had never heard it but loved it.  We went home with many leftovers.  I ate almond green beans and potatoes with gravy most of the weekend.   

I had a job interview scheduled for Monday, and very faded red hair with atrocious roots.  Cue the other sister, mine, who helped me navigate through the complicated world of box dye.  It was much easier than we thought it would be, although it’s a miracle that no one passed out from the toxic fumes.  It still lingers in the bathroom.  I ruined the towel I accidentally stole from Yosemite a month ago.  It is streaked brownish red. 

“So not only are you a thief, you’re also a vandal?” said Brian. 

“Yup,” I said.       

My mother gets back from Maine tonight.  We’re picking her up at the Long Beach airport.  Julie flies out early Thursday morning and she’s bunking at our house Wednesday night.  We’re having beef roll-ups for dinner. 

That’s all.  It’s been a crazy week of comings and goings and family.  I’ve taken a hiatus on writing because I’m making an afghan for a non-blood related family member.  I expect to start draft 3 on the 26th.  In the mean time I’m hooking furiously while listening to much bad TV, and some good TV.  I recommend Netflix’s “Orange and Black.”

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Of Chickens and Pies

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Brian: Is that rooster on the billboard up there named Rex Goliath?

Me: Um, yes I think it is.  If we ever have a rooster, we should really name it Rex Goliath.  Not that we’ll ever have a rooster. 

Brian: Why not?  I want to own chickens some day.

Me: (revolted expression on my face) Why?

Brian: For the eggs, and stuff.

Me: But we hardly ever eat eggs.

Brian: But fresh eggs are extra good.  We’d eat fresh eggs.

Me: I don’t think we would.  I don’t think owning chickens is going to make us super prolific egg eaters.

Brian: Well, you could put them in pies. 

Me: Uh, why am I putting the chickens in pies?

Brian: Not the chickens, the eggs.  What the hell is wrong with you?

Me: (after several minutes of laughing) Lots, but I think that’s a bigger discussion than you want to have right now.  Besides, how many pies am I making?

Brian: I don’t know.  Enough to use up the eggs.  You could bake cakes too.  Like one a week or something.  We’ll move out into the country. 

Me: Unless you want to have a 600 pound wife, I don’t think that’s a viable option. 

Brian: You don’t have to eat them.  You could have a pie and cake stand, and give them out to all our country neighbors.

Me: Because we’ll have thousands of neighbors living in the country.  Also, why am I the one baking stuff.  I think YOU should start a pie stand in the country. 

Brian: Um, what?  I couldn’t possibly, because.  You… it’s your calling. 

Me: Uh huh.

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Superstitious

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I am a superstitious girl of epic proportions.  They probably shouldn’t have let me read the 800 page Dictionary of Superstition because it only got worse.  I knock wood, won’t walk under ladders, and hold my breath when driving by graveyards.  I refuse to walk over piles of dust and always feel guilty that I didn’t buy a new broom when we moved.  I never have red and white flower arrangements. The tips of my candles are always burned.  I could never figure out how to sleep with wedding cake under my pillow without getting fondant ground into the sheets, but I was working on it.  I blame the first year of my marriage partially on the fact that the ceremony was on Thursday.

“Ooh!  A penny!” I said to Brian one day.

“What the heck are you doing?” he asked. 

“I have to put it in my shoe.”

“Uh, why?”

“It was tails and tails pennies are bad luck.  So you put them in your shoe to turn it, and you get the luck after all.”

He looked at me like I was absurd. 

 I don’t know if I should admit it as this is fairly easy to hide, but judge the quality of every day based on a complex rubric of symbols I have made up for myself.  For instance:

Trains are good luck.  The Metrolink used to be a vague part of my day when I worked in Claremont, but now train tracks cross my route to work in five different places.  My bedroom looks out on the train tracks, and the window rattles when the Metrolink blazes past.  There are hierarchies to trains, because not all of them are Metrolink in Orange County.  In fact, Metrolink are the lowest rung of luck because they’re so prolific.  Surfliner trains are lots of luck, and freight trains are the ultimate luck bonanza.  Trains that I see but don’t have to wait for multiply the luck as well. 

Beatles or Simon and Garfunkel songs on the radio are good luck, but only if on the radio and not purposefully played.  Also lucky are the numbers 9, 4, and 6 (in order of luckiness).  Things like the Disney cafeteria having baked potatoes at lunch time are also wrapped up in this, and the way the elevators work at Dodge College.

Since the failed attempt to write my third novel (Psychopomp, about a man who starts to be followed by a murder of crows and then finds out it’s because he’s the next Death) I have also been followed around by crows.  Not in large groups, but one is generally around somewhere waxing fat and glossy and giving me a dirty look.  I’m not sure what this means yet, but I know that I like them.  They make me feel like I’m in an epic.  Standing on the Misty Mountain and looking for advice on what to do about the dragon, perhaps.       

So now that I’ve admitted to being crazy, would you please excuse me?  A black cat walked in, and I have to leave before it tries to cross my path.

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Venice Beach

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Brian’s sister is here from Virginia this week.  Julie is such a combination of boho hippie, crafty housewife, and real estate agent that it is hard to pinpoint her.  But it is easy to love her.  Everyone does.  She makes friends in a sentence.  She looks oddly like Brian, if he were somehow small and pretty.  She has a boisterous laugh.

The hippie portion of Julie used to live in Venice Beach, California, near the boardwalk.  She had a dog of chow red and black tongue whose short hair and square head suggested nothing of chow otherwise.  His name was Bear, and they would go to the beach drum circle together, or to the free feast at the Hare Krishna temple, or just wander the boardwalk.

We attempted to do the same last night, all three of us.  Bear passed away only a few months ago, but we thought of him and his red well-behaved ways.  None of us has been paying attention to the news over the weekend.  We hadn’t heard about the deaths Saturday night.  We arrived at the Hare Krishna temple, but there were no tables set out.  “We’re doing a huge thing on the beach.  There’s no feast here tonight,” the monk in peach robes said when Brian asked him.  So we drove to the beach and parked.

They were disassembling the feast.  Brilliant tents of primary colors made a warren of temporary streets, but most had nothing beneath them any longer except people stacking folding chairs or moving boxes around.  Two booths were handing out flimsy paper plates of whatever was left in their chafing dishes.  Above the canopy, people flew past on a zip line.  The acrid smell of marijuana floated past us from the skate park.

We ate cold and delicious food on a sandy patch of grass.  The fries were sweet, the pasta salad sharp with vinegar, but my favorite was the curry-breaded cauliflower.  Police cars were everywhere.  We watched the black and white SUV’s roll past on the sand.  The sun set behind the hills making black silhouettes of the palm trees.  We could see the drum circle in the distance, listened to the beat wafting on the air.

And then there were sirens.

The police broke up the drum circle.

“I wonder what’s happening,” I said.

“We should go over and find out,” said Julie.

“I don’t know,” said Brian.

“Are you out?” said Julie.  “Yeah, it’s probably better if we don’t go over there.”

“I’m in if you’re in,” I said.  “I’m kinda dying to know what’s happening.”

“Well, let’s get closer anyway,” she said.

There was nothing to see.  By the time we walked a few yards, the circle was gone, disbursed.

“No! I have to know!” I said.

We passed a man holding a drum over his shoulder, gesticulating to a lady near one of the stores.

“Shh!” said Julie.  “See if he says anything.” We laughed, but we all got quiet.  Nothing.

We passed t-shirt stores selling offensive graphics.  I stopped to take a picture of the Venice Beach Freak Show sign.  In a row of apartment buildings, someone had turned their living room into a palmistry boutique.  On the sidewalk, someone had painted a creepy clown face.  Harry Perry rode past on his rollerblades strumming his electric guitar, dreads streaming in the wind beneath his turban.  A man walked past with a dog of chow red.

“Must pat the redness!” said Julie.  So we stopped.

“Too bad about the drum circle, huh?” said the man.

“Yeah, what happened?” I said.  “Why did they break it up?”

“Oh, pot,” he said.  “They’re all over here now because of last night, you know?”

“Last night?” said Brian.

“Yeah, the deaths.  It was on the news, some guy jumped the barrier and killed a bunch of people by driving on the boardwalk.  There’s a vigil down by Rose, and a bunch of news vans.  You know where Rose is?”

“I know where Rose is,” said Julie.

The vigil was small, a five foot square piled with stacks of flowers, votive candles illuminating every spare inch.  Three or four people had lawn chairs out and were tending to the little flames.  Passers-by stopped with bowed heads.  We walked past.  The crowd had grown when we turned around to walk back to our car.  A reporter stood in front of the pile now, microphone in hand.  I thought about what this man would probably be like, intoxicated and confused.  Maybe hopped up on pot like those at the circle.  I felt bad for him, and regretted the choices he made.

NPR had the story on the radio this morning.  It was nothing like I had thought.  This man, although undeniably mentally ill, was not intoxicated with anything.  He drove around the barriers and aimed for pedestrians.  If it hadn’t been for the loud scraping sound of a bicycle his car was dragging in its wake, more people would have died two nights ago.  The man is in custody.  They’re just releasing the names of some of his victims.

According to my professor Tom Zoellner, good Non Fiction is supposed to make a point about something.  I have no points to offer, uness it is this:  Blame the crazy atmosphere that is Venice, blame the lack of barriers on some streets, blame whatever you wish.  “This incident would have been difficult to stop because the individual was determined to harm people,” said the cop on NPR this morning.   It was no one’s fault but the perpetrator.

I can also offer sadness.

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Umm… Top 100 Interview Questions?

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I’ve been on a job search for a while now, filling out application after application and sending my (very impressive) resume out into the ether of the internet.  It’s been complicated, because I’m not looking for just anything.  I want the RIGHT thing at the RIGHT place.  Lately, there’s been a lull in jobs I’m qualified for at the places I would kill to work.  Instead of writing another cover letter, I’ve been preparing for interviews.  It keeps me busy, and it makes me feel like I’m doing something.  

It’s been seven years since I’ve looked for a job.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but among the top 100 interview questions are now some of the most asinine things I have ever seen in my life.  I can’t believe these are among the top 100.  I mean, really?  Really?  Here are some of my favorites: 

How would you handle the war in Iraq? Isn’t it over already?  Also, as I have neither military experience nor much information about Iraq as a whole, I would probably just hire someone else to handle it for me.  Nothing like passing the buck. Or getting in an enraged political fight over the worth of George Bush in a job interview.

If you were an animal, which one would you want to be? I would want to be my cat Skippy so I could claw up all the furniture and share a psychic bond with my owner.  He’s a Pisces.

Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball? Because no one is buying my fabulous new invention, the Tennis Ball Razor.  Get 3 for just $9.95.  But wait, there’s more!

What car do you drive? A jalopy named Buford.  He burps gas, but he’s always gotten me where I need to go.

Tell me a joke you find funny. Did you hear about the Scottish drag queen?  He wore pants.

What would you do if you were at a business lunch and the steak you ordered cooked rare was served well done? It is STEAK that I am NOT PAYING FOR!!!  Who cares how it’s cooked, is there anything better than this?  Well, maybe if there was bernaise…   

What is your opinion of me and my interview skills? If these are the questions you’re asking, I think you’d prefer to skip this one…

Sell me this pencil. Sure!! That will be three dollars. 

How would you weigh a plane without scales? The same way I’d weigh a scaly plane. (Ba-doom ching!)

How many times do a clock’s hands overlap in a day? Ooh!  Ooh!  I know this one, because I spend all day staring at the clock!

With your eyes closed, tell me step-by-step how to tie my shoes. I don’t know that I want to be working for a manager who can’t tie their shoes.  

Yes, I do sort of get the purpose of questions like these.  They’re designed to trip you up and assess skills you won’t necessarily show otherwise.  I don’t know, though.  I guess in a job interview I just expect to chat about the job, the qualifications, and decide if we all like each other enough to work together.  No tricks, no games.  I’m probably old fashioned. 

Okay, I’m definitely old fashioned.

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