Author Archives: caseykins

With Bonus Miscellany

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Things I learned this week:

I’m not the one losing sleep at nights, but there is something about the small red tongue and dainty fingernails of an infant (wearing a gigantic bow) that makes it seem like sleeplessness would be worth it.  Especially when she is in the crook of your elbow and opens her big blue eyes to look at you.

The ukulele is infectious.  Both my aunt and a friend of mine bought one and are learning to play it. Evidently, the infection only spreads to other females.  We’re trying to convert my mother.

You know those employees you were told you really shouldn’t trust?  Yeah, you really shouldn’t trust them.

It is not editing five chapters a week that is hard.  It is making yourself sit down to write anything at all that is the real struggle.

Bonus miscellany – How can you tell you work at Disney? My boss just sent me an e-mail in which one of the lines was: “Damn chipmunks!  Always causing trouble.”

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Fire

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There was a fire on the way home last night.  We could see the fluffy, spiral plume of smoke for miles as we drove home on the freeway.  It was a sickly yellow, sort of cream and brown as well.  It rose off the hillside of dead grass and into the blue sky.  I watched it as we sped along, trying to see red flame beneath the yellow, but I couldn’t.  I watched, noting that the plume up top was large; immovable, but that smoke rolled off the hills beneath, curling to join the rest.   The sunset made the cloud a deathly red.

KPCC, our local public radio station, is calling it the Azusa fire.  Evacuations from last night have been lifted and the fire burned a few hundred acres.  This is all the technical information I have about it.  Azusa is close to us.  I used to go to school at Citrus College in Azusa and my friend Emily works there still.  It’s not the proximity of the fire, that I care about.  I have been closer to fires.  It is fire in general.

I can’t see a plume of smoke coming from a low hill without thinking about Vesuvius, and wondering if the people of Pompeii also watched a curling cloud of ash rise from the hills as unconcernedly as I always do.  I even watch with a sense of wonder.  I thought this during the Claremont fire, over ten years ago now, as well, about the vacationers in Rome on their last days on earth.  Gray ash rained down from the heavens for two days and the world smelled like camp.  The light was eerie, like a foggy day only the fog had no substance; no dewed weight.  It was dry, made of filaments, and warm.  My clothes were smeared with white and black bits clung to my hair.  My lungs felt heavy.  the night was especially black.

I was bussing tables at the local dinner theater during the Claremont fire, and still living in my mother’s house.  During the first act of the show, our break, some of the staff climbed to the top of the hotel next door.  Just past the high school we could see the glow in the darkness.  The flames crawled nearer.  We watched them spread toward civilization, flickering and gaining hold on the burning grasses faster than an incoming tide.  One of the waiters got a phone call from his mom.  He had been evacuated, and he couldn’t go home that night.  Even I had packed a box and put it in my back seat, not wanting to tempt fate.

It’s strange how a plume in the sky turns into something real as it creeps toward us.  Instead of being something to watch with fascination it becomes something to run from as it crawls across the dead hills.  Is this fascination why few in Pompeii got out? Is the distance why I tend not to pay attention to reports of fires during California’s long fire season?  I don’t know.  But I know that natural disaster has always plagued humanity, and that it always will.

The plume had dissipated this morning, but the sun rose through a milky gray haze that settled evenly over the horizon.  The evacuation order was lifted.  This fire is done.

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A story of Wine, among other things

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It’s weird working at the school you went to only a semester ago.  Working at the college is infinitely different than attending it for many reasons.  Some reasons include the way I have lots of work, but no homework at all.  The other is how the semester passes, and I’m not really involved in it.  It’s happening around me, but I am not a participant.  I’m not aware of add dates, midterms, clubs, tests.   There is also the authority thing.  Before, everyone assumed I was twenty one and just like them.  Now I wear the weight of my thirty one years, and I am Someone To Listen To.  This, and my hilarious new boss, have been the best things.

Event season is upon us, starting with the Cirque Du Solei symposium in two weeks.  My boss, Liz,  and I spent an hour last Friday in BevMo, on a wine field trip.

“Um… are both of those carts yours?” the employee asked when he saw us, cases of wine and champagne piled high.

“Yup, both ours,” we said.

“Having a party?” he said.

“We’re stocking up for the whole semester,” I said by way of making things better somehow.  I don’t think the guy believed it.  Still, he helped us load down Liz’s cherry red car and we drove back to the college.  I had a place cleared for all nine cases the corner of my office, in the warren that is the basement of historic Smith Hall.  We called the two student workers to come over with the dolly and transport it for us.  They wheeled the dolly gleefully out to Liz’s car, and made a plan for getting it through the door.

“I don’t think we have to load it off the dolly when we go down the stairs,” said Marcus.  “The wheels are big.  I think we can just back it down, if we’re really careful.”

“I don’t know,” I said.  “Are you sure that will work?  I mean, there’s a lot of wine, and it will be heavy.”

“No, I’m pretty sure we can make it work,” he said.

“Meh, okay,” I said.  “I will trust to your expertise.”

“Wait, what did you just say to me?” he said.

“Um… I’ll trust your expert opinion?” I said.

“Wow, I don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me before.  Did you hear that?” he nudged the other student worker, ” I’m an expert.”

Yup.  Sometimes this authority thing is fun.

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The Mechanicals

Neil had just dumped the garbage into the dumpster behind Budgen’s Grocery when he noticed the sign, flapping white in the darkness.  It was out of place, and it almost seemed to glow as its corners fluttered.  The acrid stench of rotting garbage rose as he flipped the black plastic sack into the pile of other sacks.  He brushed his hands off on his pants and raked his fingers through his wild hair.

It had not been a good day.  Neil spent most of it trying to clean up a pile of peaches that someone had knocked from their bin and then trod over, making the linoleum floor juicy and sticky.  He wiped up juice with a dingy rag that had once been white and meditated on sticky.  His whole life was sticky.  He thought when his mother passed that he might be able to leave Cromer.  The final, thin rejection letter from University of West London this afternoon confirmed that he wouldn’t. Eight colleges and no one wanted him.

The white sign stood out brightly.  It was taped to the roof and it was made of butcher paper. Someone had written on it in black ink: Cornelius Cumberpatch, This Is Your Destiny.  A bolt of icy anger shot through his body, and years of taunting echoed through his head: “The Patch,” “Cornypatch,” “Horny Corny.”  He clenched his fists, digging his fingernails into his palms.  The asshole that thought this was funny would pay.

Neil charged into the brick grocery and up the stairs.  He climbed out the window of the break room and pulled himself onto the sloped tiles of the roof.   A moist ocean breeze blew the strings of his green apron behind him.  The sign flapped up over the edge of the ridge, curling.  Neil crawled over to it and ripped it towards him.  Triangles of white paper still clung to the tape on the shingled roof.

He laid the sign out on the gravely tiles.  It now read: Penny For Your Thoughts?  Place Penny Here, Place Hand Here.  There were arrows, and two circles.  One was the size of a penny, and the other was just big enough for Neil’s hand.  Neil blinked.  He could have sworn the sign had his name on it only a moment ago.

The break room window was still open, blinds tapping against the frame.  He expected to see his coworkers clustered, laughing at the look on his face as he took in their elaborate practical joke.  There was no one there.  There wasn’t even a plausible place for a hidden camera.

His eyes narrowed, and he looked at the paper again.  The letters shimmered.  Neil thought, why not play along?  He reached into the pocket of his blue jeans and pulled out a small, copper penny.  He looked at the letters again, considering.  He placed the penny in the small circle.  Nothing seemed to change.  He shrugged to himself, raked his hands through his hair, and placed his hand in the large circle.  The letters glimmered a coppery orange.

Around him, the world shifted to swirling gray fog, moving across his bare arms and drenching his clothes.  He was cold, and he could see nothing in front of him but the swirling mist and the droplets collecting on his body as he stood on – something.

The gray began to clear, and Neil realized that what he stood on was silver.  He was in the middle of a vast city of gleaming, copper towers.  Domed spires reached through the gray.  He was on top of a silver fire escape, looking down into a lustrous alley.  A copper cat with riveted joints cleaned its paws with its shiny tongue below him.  It ticked.

Neil looked around.  The paper had disappeared.

There was a silver ladder to his left.  Neil climbed down the slick, cold rungs.  As soon as he took a step onto the street the cat jumped.  It ran off down the alley, its paws pinging on the metal surface.  Neil followed it.

The cramped alley spilled onto a broad avenue.  Hundreds of copper people strode along the street.  Their joints were also riveted, with shiny silver balls in their shoulders and knees.  They wore elaborate dresses, or suits with top hats, all made of metal mesh.  It was like the pictures of Victorian Cromer had come to life and then warped to become all wrong.  The sound of a thousand watches ticking filled the air.

The middle of the street was crowded with moving vehicles.  They were all a combination of gears, rivets, wood, and pipes spewing gray mist into the sky.  They rushed back and forth.  Some sprouted wire wings that unfolded like accordions and rose up between the spires.  Neil felt something hard rub against his leg.  It was the cat.

“Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore,” he told it. It opened its mouth and let out a mechanical whirr.

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Making Good Art – With a Vengeance

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Sorry for the radio silence.  This has been a week.  And not the good kind.  It started when Brian and I spent Sunday in the vet’s office with a very sick dog.  I was babysitting the pack of two for my mother when she was visiting in Nipomo. Spunky, golden Molly waddled out of the bushes Sunday morning, threw up on the red bricks of the patio twice, and then collapsed.  We spread a sheet in the back of our white Chevy Malibu and took her right in.  She’ll live, but she needed surgery for the plastic shards of the dental floss box that she ate, as well as all the floss that tangled in her tract.  She’s already been informed that she’s not allowed to eat weird things anymore.

Monday culminated in probably the worst rejection I’ve ever received.  My senior thesis will not be published.  The representatives from the journal were not just discouraging.  They were outright vitriolic.  They were mean-spirited and self-righteous in ways only academics can achieve.  I cried a few times.  I tried to figure out if it could be re-written.  Without the funds of the school behind me, additional research to do re-writes will be nigh impossible.  I don’t know any Deaf historians who would critique it for me, and I hate asking favors of even people I know.

I called it a day on non-fiction.  I read Neil Gaiman’s Make Good Art and was able to edit four chapters of my novel.  I realized how much I enjoyed being a historian again, if only for fifteen minutes or so, and how much I’d like to go to grad school.

Halloween opens at Disneyland today.  The new fiscal year starts in 2 weeks.  To say that I have been busy at work would be an understatement.  I have been running around frantically, arms full of costumes and fabric and shipping documents, and still failing to get a full third of all the things done.     At the second job, I still can’t figure out how to order office supplies.  I don’t have paperclips, or even a pair of scissors.  I have to go three buildings over if I need to use the copier.  I can’t get the temperamental data reporting system to work for me, either.

Brian read Clutter Busting by Brooks Palmer for book club at his church this week.  Then he made me read it too.  It’s been a good thing, but we spent most of our time this week talking about what is emotionally wrong with us that we have to collect all this stuff.  Clean out day is Sunday, and I have a feeling we’ll be trashing a lot of things.

I hope this weekend is better.  I don’t think I can take another week like the one I just lived through.  I’m charging on, though.  I’m making good art.

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Twitter Love

It is one of those days when it feels like disaster is imminent, but never seems to arrive.  I was almost late for work, but the traffic resolved itself.  It sounded like we had a major costuming miss-communication that cost us thousands of dollars, but then we saw the pictures.  I thought I left my lunch at home, and then I realized I planned ahead and it’s in the fridge at work.  I’m left with the feeling that I’m probably just a very paranoid person. 

In better news, I’ve been given the OK to man the Twitter account at work!  We’re @ChapmanCoPA if you’re interested.  Lots of performing art stuff will be posted.  I am absolutely in love with Twitter.  I find it hard to explain just what Twitter is, though.  It’s really all about stalking celebrities, and being challenged to hold your thoughts to 140 characters.  It has amazing things that Facebook does not.  This does not, however, explain to a boss why it’s necessary to have.  Luckily, she just took me at my word.

There are many things I would not know exist in this world if it wasn’t for Twitter.  Here are several.  You should really check them out.

 

Spock Twerking: http://uncalar.tumblr.com/post/59912990726/i-had-a-half-hour-before-dinner-so-i-drew-spock

Devo Raccoon: http://www.etsy.com/listing/154338448/devo-raccoon-anthropomorphic-taxidermy?ref=&sref=

Martin Short Eating Donuts: https://twitter.com/SteveMartinToGo/status/376194825692782593/photo/1

Gates Mcfadden’s 1/8th: http://ensemblestudiotheatrela.tumblr.com/

 

Is there anything better than this ridiculousness?  Well, maybe crepes.

 

 

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On Feminism

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Brian and I have been talking a lot about feminism lately.  I have recently become comfortable calling myself a feminist in public.  I feel like I finally understand why it’s important that people do label themselves feminists, and work for women’s right to do anything they want to.  I’m glad I feel that way, but I also feel like feminism has failed me.  In a big way.

I’ll just admit it.  I hate myself most of the time.  I cringe every time I pick that size twelve off the rack, or take a bite of that poppy seed muffin, or notice the hair growing between my eyebrows.  My teeth are not straight.  My face is square and funny.  I have a cabbage patch nose.  My torso is long and my legs are short.  I am in no way able to conform to the magazine ideal.  Even if I could become a size 1, I would still not look like I am “supposed to.”  All women are beautiful in a way of course, but those of us labeled as cute, or unique, understand what that means.  It’s the nice way to say “doesn’t measure up.”  I hate myself for hating myself, too.  It’s a vicious cycle.

I told my mother once that I think of women loathing themselves as being an American Cultural trait.  I have never met another woman who didn’t also have these feelings.  From lamenting about pre-child bodies, to Spanx, to spray tan, to diets, we are all trying to be something we can’t.  All of us.  Some of us just hide it better than others.

Feminism has given me the knowledge that this is a socially constructed, impossible ideal.  I’m not crazy, society is.  That’s nice, of course, but it hasn’t helped me at all.  I still loathe myself for the handful of Nerds I ate yesterday, the crepe I had Saturday morning for breakfast.  I still wish I was a size 4.  I still pull on Spanx beneath my dress.  Feminism has not given me anything except the knowledge that I am unable separate myself from the cultural messages surrounding me.  I feel trapped.  I don’t know how to move forward from here.  Can thirty years of self-loathing even be turned into something empowering?  Is it even possible to get out?  Is my inability to stop caring something new I should be hating myself for?

Brian thinks the reason I don’t know how to move forward is that there is no roadmap on how to move forward.  Women’s stories aren’t told unless they are the careful version everyone expects, the unrealistic version.  I know this is where my fascination with Amanda Palmer lies.  She is living something else.  Whether that version of something else works for me or not it is amazing to see what is possible, and that at least one person can do it.  It gives me just a tiny smidgeon of hope.

I don’t have any answers.  I don’t think there are any answers to this.  I think we should be kinder to each other and not tell other women they can’t or that something they choose willingly and knowingly is unfeminist.  I think we can all spend a little time figuring out if we do something because society tells us to or if we really like it.  But at the end of the day, will that help me feel OK about my short, bitten fingernails or the stubble on my legs?  I don’t really expect that it will.

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I Don’t Recommend It.

I had my first cold sores last week.  I don’t recommend it.  They’re pretty awful really.  I got Abreva like the drugstore clerk told me to, and I was upset that it didn’t seem to be cutting the pain at all.  Then, I washed my face and washed off the Abreva.  Holy cow was it doing a lot.  I just didn’t know it.  I am also swallowing massive amounts of Lysine, in Mike & Ike sized white lozenges.  If you can avoid it, don’t ever get a cold sore.  Trust me.

I mostly mention this because it’s made me realize just how spoiled I am.  I have not been kissed in 14 days.  This is a very long time.  Brian and I have a pact that neither is allowed to leave the other without a kiss.  We kiss each other when I drop him off at work in the mornings.  We kiss when I leave to go to the grocery store.  We kiss when he gathers up his books to go to D&D.  We even kiss when we’re angry at each other, quick pecks followed by terse goodbyes.  That’s how much of a habit this has become. 

Cold sores are not something I would wish on anyone.  Kissing is out.  Instead, I’ve been pressing my cheek to his and giving him a hug, or fluttering my eyelashes against his cheek in a butterfly kiss.  It’s not the same.  At all.  In fact, it is decidedly unsatisfying.

Of all the annoyances I would expect of getting a cold sore, this is the one I would not have foreseen.  I’m much better now.  I promise.  I think I might even be safe to kiss again.  Maybe.  Probably.  Well, soon anyway.

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Brown Birds and Journals

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Writers Keep Journals.  That’s what they tell me.  I don’t doubt the veracity of this claim, but I know that I am terrible at this.  They never seem to stick.  For a while, I kept an electronic version.  This was good when I was in school and almost always had my laptop with me.  It was more of an emotional dump space, though, and grew to become a 75 page document.  I had to go through later and edit the literary bits into a separate document so I could find them.  A teacher I had insisted that we keep a hard copy, and carry it with us always.  Inevitably, I wouldn’t transfer it from my school bag to my purse, or forget it for weeks as it mingled with my D&D books between games.  Sigh.

I’ve decided to try again.  I bought a red Moleskein, purse-sized, and so far have written nothing but a quote in it.  “Bury your body in the constellations.  ~Zen Proverb.”  I don’t know if this is really a Zen proverb, but Twitter says it is.  The internet is always right, right?

I went through my old hard copy the other day, a blue Moleskein – the inexpensive kind with the paper cover.  On the first page, I found an entry about a bird I saw when I parked in front of my grandfather’s house for breakfast one morning.  It was perched on my father’s car, a black Nisan Rogue.

It was one of those brown birds, small and speckled.  The kind that are everywhere, mobbing your at the National Mall in Washington DC, and hopping ever closer at the local café, always eyeing your french-fries.  It seemed to be in some sort of fight with its reflection in the passenger side mirror.  It perched with its feet tucked beneath the mirror, clinging as it puffed its feathers and pecked at the brown reflection, and then falling back as its feet failed to gain purchase on the plastic.  It’s wings fluttered, and it landed on the roof.  Then it hopped back to the mirror, fell back, and returned to the roof.  I watched it from my car, sweat trickling down my forehead.  It was determined to drive the interloper from its territory.  It kept hopping.  I smiled.

The clock on my dashboard read 9:08.  I was already overdue.  I watched the bird make a few more circuits, and then I opened my car door and walked into the house.  The bird was not there anymore when we came out to drive to breakfast.

Perhaps keeping a journal is worth it after all, hard as it is.  I don’t know that I would have remembered the fierce brown bird had I not wrote him down all those months ago.

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Research: It Runs in the Family

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I taught my mother some of my internet research tricks last night.  She’s trying to figure out the life stories of the people who lived in her house in Maine.  The house was build in the 1880s, and it looks out on The Gut, a river-sized inlet of ocean between Rutherford Island and the rest of South Bristol.  Plenty of people have lived there.  The lawn of the house slopes down to either a flat of mud or lapping waves, depending on the tide.  Bright lobster boats speed past.  The other side of the shore looks like a Charles Wysocki painting; the way the colorful houses perch on the green hillside.  The community is one of ship builders and lobstermen.  Even today, you can see the men in their forest green galoshes and overalls traipsing together down the road speckled with Victorian houses, case of beer clutched in one’s hand.  Unless you want to pay $12.00 a pound for potato salad at the little blue summer store, the nearest grocery is thirty minutes away.  Home Depot is almost an hour and a half. 

There are many books on South Bristol, and my mother has been through them all.  Between that and the stories of her neighbor and driveway-sharer, Ronnie, we have a decent picture of the prior inhabitants. 

The house was built by Harvey Oliver.  The old portion of the house is tiny.  One bedroom was turned into a bathroom, tucked under the eaves.  The other barely fits a twin bed, but the view from the wide, tall windows in both rooms is filled with sea and sky.   Mr. Oliver was quite the carpenter.  There are closets.  In a house of this age, that is a minor miracle.  A corner shelf, fluted top, stands in the living room.  Tucked under the stairs is a meticulous job of small drawers.  Harvey Oliver died less than a year after the last board was laid.  His family sold the house. 

The Kelsey’s moved in.  The record seems to show that Horace came from a long line of prolific ship builders.  His wife, Myra Clifford, and their son Alton also moved in.  Along the way, they also picked up a boy named Maxwell House.  Whatever happened to his parents, Max couldn’t live with them.  The Kelsey’s gave him a home and he became a second son.  Maxwell had the room under the eaves.  Alton had the little bedroom.  Tragedy touched them.  Alton died young.  We don’t know of what, or when, but he is in the census at 16 years of age, and appears deceased in the next.  When Horace died, he and Myra left their estate to Max. 

In the 1970’s, Max sold the house to Stevie Plummer.  Stevie got married, and together in the 1980s they put in a modern kitchen and master bedroom.  Those two rooms alone almost double the size of the house.  The stove backs up to an old chimney.  The kitchen counters are Formica with a metal rim.  Oak paneling adorns all.  Before the renovations were finished, Stevie got a divorce.  The renovation was never finished.  He set his bed on the plywood subfloor upstairs.  The windows were never framed out.  He died young of a heart attack.  He was in his 50s. 

Stevie’s daughter moved in with her two children for a while, but the house was in terrible shape by this time.  Stevie saved fuel by shutting up the old side of the house, only using the kitchen and half-finished bedroom.  Plaster was peeling off the walls.  The floors were painted a rainbow of browns.  Leaded white came off the hallway doors in flakes.  The upstairs bathroom had nothing but holes in the floors.  The pipes downstairs were rusting.  Creosote collected in the ceiling.   The daughter sold the house to my mother and stepdad.  They have been in constant construction since, and cousin Jeff loaned a little of his own carpentry skill to add to Harvey Oliver’s work. 

We know a lot, but there are so many holes; the death of Alton, Max’s parentage, the lives and professions of Horace and Myra, the reason Harvey Oliver built the house in the first place at so advanced an age.  I have research skills now.  Maybe we won’t find anything, but maybe we will.  I showed my mother some of my favorite sites and we found fun information about South Bristol, if not about the inhabitants of the house. 

We started on World Cat (www.worldcat.org), a database of all books that have ever been printed ever.  They seriously have everything, and you can sort by oldest to newest and get primary source info pretty quickly.  At the bottom of the page, it lists all the libraries you can get the book from, and it also has all the information you would need to get it from Interlibrary Loan.  My favorite thing!

We moved to searchable PDFs next.  Many colleges put their archives up on http://www.archive.org, so we searched and found an out of print book on South Bristol.  Typing Ctrl F brings up a box and you can get right to the subject matter you need.  We put in Kelsey, and found a prolific ship builder much older than Harvey.  Maybe his father? 

My last trick was the Library of Congress Digital Archives.  Those are tons of fun.  They don’t have everything, but they have a lot.  We found many pictures of ancient South Bristol.  Then we searched Bob’s last name and found that his uncle had done an interview with them about the air force in WWII, tapes available in Washington DC only. 

It was a great night.  My mother could barely tear herself away from the computer to say goodbye.  I think she’s definitely as hooked on this stuff as I am.  Next up might be a book on the subject.  You know, once my novel is finished.

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