Author Archives: caseykins

Rainy Day

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It’s such a dreary and drizzly day here.  And Californians freak out in the rain.  They turn from reasoned (if aggressive) commuters into slippery slidey old folks, creeping along at tiny speeds and following too close.  I spent the morning driving in this travesty, only to learn from the radio that a big-rig had overturned ahead and was blocking all but one lane of traffic.  The heavy traffic turned into stopped gridlock as the sky poured buckets on my little white car.  It took us almost fifteen minutes to move a mile down the road.  I clocked in with just seconds to spare before I was penalized for being late.  Brian had to drop me off first, which meant he had to also spend his lunch hour picking me up so I could get to job 2 on time.   He’s such a good guy sometimes.  Okay, oftentimes.

I had been looking forward to this rain.  I wasn’t factoring in the commute thing.  I pulled my grandmother’s old raincoat out of my closet and wore it to work today.  I never realized that it was reversible when she wore it, but it is.  Violent green on one side and navy on the other, with pocket flaps on each side of the coat.  It was the first real chance I’ve had since my grandfather handed it to me the day he cleaned out the coat closet.  I felt like all I really needed was a wide hat and a pair of tap shoes with bows on the ankles, and then I could be Debbie Reynolds.  Unfortunately, I’m no Debbie Reynolds.  After this morning, I won’t be singing nor will I be dancing in the rain.  We still have to drive home after work, still raining, in the deepening dark.

I’m still looking forward to tomorrow, though.  I worked Sunday, so I get to have Friday off as a consolation prize.  I’ll be able to sit in my warm, four poster bed and listen to the rain fall outside the window.  I’ll have time to make myself a pot of Imperial Earl Gray.  I won’t have to deal with a bevy of commuters in the rain.  That should be much better, right?

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Book Review: Inkheart

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Inkheart, by Cornelia Funke

I picked this one up because my father said, “Have you read Inkheart yet?  You would really love it.” And then my aunt said, “you haven’t read Inkheart?  You really HAVE to.” On Christmas, she wrapped up my cousin’s old battered copy and put it under the tree for me.  Anyone over the age of 21 doesn’t get gifts from extended family, that is the rule, but a re-gift is allowed and welcomed.  I was so excited to start it.

It is exactly the sort of book I should like, and I know I would have devoured it with relish had I found it twenty years earlier.  I read it today with a mild sort of amusement that never took hold to become obsession.  I know this is not because it’s a children’s book that it didn’t quite pull me in, although I was always on the brink of it.  There were a number of problems I had with it that I just couldn’t seem to get over. 

The biggest problem for me was the character of the writer.  The good guys find the writer of the book and convince him to write a new, happy ending.  That is how they solve the main crisis.  It’s a little more complicated than that, but not much.  The writer isn’t even hard for them to find.   It seemed like such a cop-out.

I was also not very convinced (for a long time), that the bad guys were all that bad.  They were mostly token bad guys – shooting cats in the alley, imprisoning children, and generally thieving, bullying, and being thugs.  I was never really afraid that the good guys wouldn’t win.  There was a fascination with fire that ran through the whole novel that I also felt was never fully realized. 

The original novel is in German.  I read a translation, and I’ve decided that I’m pinning all the problems on the translator (even the plot points that are really the fault of the writer).  Aside from the things above, the book really is a wonderful romp.  My favorite parts were the bits from other novels that were sprinkled throughout.  They were so fun to recognize, like coming across old friends.  Tinker Bell comes to life in it, and Long John Silver (thankfully) does not.  It also features a spunky elderly aunt who is hilarious.  You have to love Eleanor. 

In short, I would recommend the read and I’m glad I read it myself.  I know there are sequels, and I’m left with a comfortable feeling that I don’t need to purchase the next one, but that I might enjoy it if I decided to some day.  If you have an eleven year old reader at home, they will probably be obsessed. 

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Statement of Intent

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I’m working on my grad school application again.  I missed the deadline to be considered for the stipend due to work craziness, but I was a terribly long shot anyway.  It is that damn statement of intent that is the real problem.  I have been through four full drafts from scratch, and I’m not convinced that it is any better at all this time than it was the first.  They are all equally awful.  I know why, too.

If I were to be brutally honest with the selection committee, I’m not sure that I’ll complete this degree.  I think there is a strong chance that I won’t.  My economic situation is such that I have to have a full time job.  Classes that start at 4:30 are classes I can’t take.  Even if I could handle the higher work load of more classes, Chapman’s regular schedule limits me to about two classes a semester.  Whether I can even handle more, though, is a big “if.” It will take me at least three years (and probably more) to get through the program as a part time student.  Brian, who works at Chapman, is pondering a new job within the next few years.  Without tuition remission, I can’t afford a Chapman education.

Even if all of the other things work out, I am turning 32 this year.  If I don’t start having children soon, my expiration date will fly right by.  Kids, full time jobs, and masters degrees don’t mesh.  Pick two.  I already know which two I choose, and it’s the masters degree that gets dumped.  That is not a position that will get me admitted, I’m certain of it.

That’s why this statement of intent has been hard for me.  My intents are nothing, not even to finish.  I only intend to take as many classes as I’m able, and become a better writer.  But how do you express that in three pages worth of words, a paper where most people want to talk about their hopes and dreams?  I find myself unable to lie, and unable to pretend that I have bigger goals that I actually do.  I’m not even sure what I can offer Chapman in return, except for a dedication to do well in class.  This is probably where being a twenty one year old idealist with no bullshit filter comes in handy.  That used to be me, but how the world does change us.

I’m making Brian read draft four tonight in hopes that he will be able to recognize how to save this Statement of Intent where I have failed.  I’m not writing draft five from scratch.  I refuse.   Unless this one isn’t good enough…

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Where Do You Get Your Ideas?

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One of my favorite things in the world is to read what people who write for a career have to say about the writing process.  If anyone can explain it, they can.  My favorite subject is always the question “where do you get your ideas from?”  Anyone who has ever done any writing knows that this question is impossible to answer.  It doesn’t matter how amateur your actual writing is, your ideas always originate from the same place.  Sure, you can cobble something together about articles and prior influences.  But really, it’s like asking someone why they dreamed of popcorn last night.  Maybe it was the movie you watched before bed, but who really knows?

I hadn’t spent much time on Robin McKinley’s website until this week, and she has a great answer to that question.  You can read the whole thing here: http://www.robinmckinley.com/faq/faq.php?q_id=5 but essentially she says that having ideas is like picking up pebbles in the dark and then picking up a puppy.  You know immediately that the thing in your hands is something else, and something rather more than what you’ve picked up previously.  The puppy is a story.  Like I said, I love this explanation.  It almost expresses how I get my ideas.

The problem is that, for me, it is not nearly as simple as this.  It is like fumbling around in the darkness picking up the pebbles of ideas, and then suddenly you grab a pair of furry legs, and a few velvet ears, a wagging tail then the warm, soft body.  Eventually, among all the other pebbles I’ve picked up at the same time, I realize that I can put this all together and it becomes a puppy.  But it doesn’t start out as a full puppy I pull from the dark.  I know I have something different, but it isn’t always clear what parts belong to what until I sit down and try to piece them all together.  And some things are only rather mossy rocks.  And sometimes I’ve pulled the parts for a puppy and the parts for a squirrel, and have to sort that out as well.  And sometimes there are more than two.  I’d say it’s like juggling, but that would be adding another metaphor into this already cobbled mix.

The last part of this whole problem is that I never know how much the puppy will grow.  I don’t really know what I have until I write it down.  Is it a Pug of a short story?  Is it a Newfoundland of a novel? Is it a viable, healthy dog or does it have kennel cough that will never be cured?  Do I have the skills to care for and feed this dog, or do I need to go and take some writing classes and learn what to feed it before attempting to put it on paper and give it a home?

Writing is such a nebulous thing.  That’s probably why people resort to metaphor and cliché to explain it.  There has to be something more concrete out there, though.  I’ll be searching for it until I find it but my guess is that I never will.  In the mean time, I suppose I offer (rather convoluted) metaphor myself.

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Interterm Reading List

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It is officially the end of Interterm this week. The students are back, regular classes are in session. That probably means that I should post my reading list for this school season. Yes, I’m not in class anymore. Still, I’m working at a college and the year seems to divide itself naturally into these sections. The reading list is smaller than the others, I’ll admit, but Interterm is short. That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it.

Anyway, here is my official Interterm reading list with reviews:

1. Consider The Lobster – David Foster Wallace: His writing is excellent, but I can’t get over the conviction that he’s embellishing the truth for a better story. I’ve caught him in a few.

2. Elizabeth The First Wife – Lian Dolan: Super smutty like promised, but a bit contrived. I still loved it because the girl and the guy get together in the end. I’m terrible that way.

3. Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding: So excellent, with an endearing and neurotic main character you just have to love.

4. Lives Like Loaded Guns – Lyndall Gordon: The life of Emily Dickenson and her family. Heartbreaking, makes me glad I’m not a Victorian woman, and impossible to put down.

5. The Essential Guide to Getting Your Book Published – Arielle Eckstut & David Henry Sterry: Lots of interesting stuff to ponder. Makes me think that a lot of my instincts about just putting my writing out there are right.

6. Power of Three – Diana Wynne Jones: One of her best, I think. You know it’s one thing and then it morphs into another entirely. Clever and fun. I couldn’t put it down.

7. Shadows – Robin McKinley: Written from the 1st person POV of a rather gushy high school girl, but that’s its only flaw. I am otherwise IN LOVE with this book.

8. Nine Coaches Waiting – Mary Stewart: Oh another that I have re-read to death. It’s Raul mostly, I’ll admit, but the setting is beautiful, the suspense heartbreaking, and the end perfect.  So perfect!

9. On Writing Well – William Zinsser: In the absence of teachers, I have books… this confirmed a lot of my already held assumptions and clarified a bunch of questions. Clever read, and helpful.

10. Beauty – Robin McKinley: Loved all but the very end. Happily Ever After doesn’t quite satisfy when the rest is so sophisticated, and when I had such a deep affection for life pre-Happily Ever After.

11. Pegasus – Robin McKinley: It’s ½ a book, and it ends SO traumatically. Otherwise, it’s a beautiful setting and a beautiful concept. I’ll be picking up the next ASAP, please write fast! 🙂

In other news, my book list is stacking up horribly fast, no thanks to Amazon’s Kindle Daily Deals. For the first time in a long time, my to-read list is more than ten books long. I’m in the middle of Inkheart right now, far enough in to know that I love it, but not far enough to have more of an opinion than that. Then there is In Cold Blood, a book about German fighter pilots and how they felt about working for Hitler, seven romance novels (hey, it is February…), Robin McKinley’s Rose Daughter, and Tom Zoellner’s new book about trains. I have a feeling I’ll be adding sequels to that as well. It’s overwhelming. I practically need the smaller commute I’m seeking, just for the extra reading hours. That is also a story I’m sticking with.  We’ll see how it goes when I post Spring’s reading list…

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You Really Like Me

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What has been the most amazing to me during this job search is the number of people I have who are pulling for me.  It’s flabbergasting.  I love them for it.  Some of these are people that I don’t even know that well, or only on a brief professional level.  People like Brian’s boss and the professors at Dodge have offered to keep an eye out for jobs, pondering who they can call.  They’re also people I’ve worked closer with, like my current boss who has been sending me jobs to apply for and offering to go over my resume.  My friends are there for me, too.  My inbox is full of words of support and more job links, and offers of resume help.  Brian has provided days of flowers and shoulders to cry on.

It’s made everything so much easier to bear.  You like me.  You really like me, I say like Sally Fields.  I am the sort of gal who hates to ask favors of people, so the fact that others have offered means all the more.  I really like you too.   Thanks for the support.

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Blessing In Disguise?

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Why do I always have such a hard time writing a blog entry lately?  It’s not like lots hasn’t happened.  I guess I’m just not ready to tell the world about my woes, and not just because I don’t really want to talk about it.  It’s a little embarrassing.  I don’t want to come off as a complainer.  I have this need to pretend that I am a triumphant adult living a perfect life when the reality is quite different.  Especially now that I won’t have a job in three months.

Yes, that’s right.  You heard me.  Chapman University is reorganizing their entire University Advancement division.  My position is one of the several being eliminated.  They will not give us a concrete time frame, but they said it will be at least two months and maybe three.  The Dean told me they would keep me as long as they could manage, but that it was mostly out of his control.

You would think I should be distraught.  I’m not.

I can claim to be worried.  I can claim to be weary.  The last thing I want to spend my time doing is applying for jobs.  It takes hours to write a good cover letter, and then I send it all out into the vacuum of the internet and never hear back.  I do this several times a week, and maybe I will hear from one place in the three months before I’m out of a job, student loan debts still clamoring to be paid.  It’s enough to make a girl give up and agree to live in abject poverty the rest of her life.  None of the other options seem to be working.

But as much as I loathe the thought of a job search, I relish the idea of being in a new job.  Maybe I could get a job in Claremont without a three hour commute.  I could walk to work, or buy that teal beach cruiser.  I could work one job with a real live lunch hour instead of rushing from busy job #1 to busy job #2 with only minutes to spare.  And it could be much worse.  I still have job #1.  I may have to scrimp and save my pennies, but I will be able to pay the rent.  I won’t starve.  I have a bevy of people willing to give me good references.

The uncertainty is what’s killing me most.  Is this a good thing or a bad thing?  I just don’t know.  It’s too early to tell.  So I cling to good and hope it comes true.

I have a feeling the phrase “blessing in disguise,” is about to come out of my mouth about five million times.

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Waffling on Test Questions

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A friend of mine is trying to get certified as a counselor for the Meyers Briggs test, so I took an online thing today so I could go to a group session tomorrow.  It was very interesting, and I found that I fell in between the two options on the screen so often that it was SO HARD to pick one.  I wrote down the questions that I had trouble answering, and I thought I’d post them for fun:

Do you find keeping a schedule liberating or confining? – Here’s the thing, I don’t like keeping a schedule.  I definitely don’t like that I have to regulate my entire life by a book and a pen, and deadlines, or even charts and check boxes.  I hate that.  But has keeping a schedule been confining?  I really can’t say that it has.  It’s enabled me to keep track of things and meet deadlines.  It’s given me the ability to be productive when I otherwise wouldn’t be.  It’s really more a little of both.  I hate it, but I get a LOT of good from it.  Not the least of which is my novel that I’m very proud of.  I finally put confining but it didn’t feel like the truth, exactly.

When making a decision, is it more important to you to weight the facts or consider people’s opinions and feelings? – Facts are really important to me.  They are.  I think that every decision should be made based on facts and not on We Wish or We Hope.  But, facts have different weights depending on your feelings.  That should be taken into account.  For example, what if I’m looking to move to a new city?  I can look at ratings of best cities, but maybe “best” is based on number of bike paths.  If I hate to bike, that fact isn’t going to matter to me.  That shouldn’t be weighted equally with how much live theater a place has.  I care about that much more.  It’s both.  We need both to make a valid decision.  I waffled, and then finally picked opinions and feelings…

Do you rather prefer to do things at the last minute, or find doing things at the last minute hard on the nerves? – I LOVE chaos.  I love struggling, feeling that adrenaline rush and knowing that you’ve been the one to solve that last minute problem with aplomb.  It fills me with glee.  This is the reason I loved running the Electrical Parade costuming crew so much.  Disaster was imminent every night, and I often got to be the hero.  Still, if given the chance I’ll plan ahead.  I also like that satisfied feeling, that I’m competent and in control, to know that my tasks are finished and I can just enjoy (or be ready for the coming chaos).  90% of the time, I plan ahead and am ready for anything, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love a little last minute action.  I honestly don’t remember what I picked for this one, it was such a toss-up.

 

Among your friends, are you one of the last to hear what’s going on, or full of news about everybody? – This is a weird one for me.  I have a hard time keeping in touch with people.  Unless I interact with them on a daily basis, I’m always out of the loop.  I’m a terrible correspondent and I don’t answer my phone (ever).  This means that I’m usually behind the times on what’s happening in people’s lives.  But… acquaintances have this weird habit of telling me insanely personal details about themselves.  I like it because I get to be in the know, but I often find it strange how I end up being the confessor.  I straddle both divides.  I think I put down “last to hear,” because I usually am the last among my nearest and dearest.

Are you at your best when dealing with the unexpected, or when following a carefully worked out plan? – Oh man.  I’m better when I’m following a carefully worked out plan, and I enjoy working out careful plans.  That is the truth.  But I’m better than anyone I know at dealing with the unexpected.  Very little phases me.  The world could be burning down, and I’m like “thanks for the info, we’ll deal with it when we get there.”  Does talent for something give enough weight to claim it as best?  I was true to myself and put plan, but I still don’t know if it was the right choice.

So that’s it for the test.  On another note, there is a large group of people yelling outside my office as if they’re at a sporting event or something.  The ways of college students are mysterious (says the girl who graduated 6 months ago).

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Miscellany

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This is mostly going to be a post of miscellany.  I have done nothing at all that’s exciting in at least a week, so I’m having a hard time coming up with ways to paint my life as exciting.   After all, isn’t that the point of a blog?  I’ve been following Neil Gaiman’s blog and I’m happy he’s back at it again.  I feel a small twinge of disappointment, though, every time I go to the site and there is not a new one.  So in that spirit, I’m just posting something anyway.

Brian and I had a lovely date night last night.  We ate salmon and eggplant Parmesan at Café Lucca on antique chairs.  Then we went to the movie theater in the building Brian works and watched a screening of The Great Gatsby (the Baz Lurman version).  I did not hate it, and I expected to loathe every minute of it.

The night started off with a lecture on green screening, then moved to the film itself.  It was hokey, over the top, and not historically accurate.  I abhorred the book and found myself wanting to slap sense into every one of the characters, even Nick.  I didn’t have the same impulse in the movie.  I had fun following the little seeded clues to the end, the realization of the green light and the importance of the fancy, custom car that seem like nothing but are ultimately plot points.  I liked the echoing of the candles when Gatsby and Daisy dance, the white flowers when they meet, and how both of them were present at his funeral.  I liked looking for green screen.  I enjoyed myself even though I didn’t enjoy the film, despite its beauty.

Applications are coming up sooner than I like to pretend they are.  That is what I’ve spent most of my week doing.  For better or worse, it will all be submitted fifteen days from now.  I’d better do re-writes on that sadistic statement of intent right away.  If nothing else, at least I won’t have to worry about pulling intents out of my bum and trying to make them sound pretty.  That has been the worst of grad school, by far.

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Weekends

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Brian is leaving me.

For the weekend to attend Anime Con in Los Angeles.  He’s running the D&D games, and a few of them he wrote himself.  He’s excited about it.  I will be lonely in my empty bed.  I will be forced to commute an hour and a half to Orange alone.

“I’m going to have to figure out what to do with you gone this weekend,” I said.

“Who is Yugon?” said Brian, very indignant.

“That’s terrible,” I said.

“Yes, I know,” he admitted.

But we both laughed anyway.

I have snuck a note into his shaving kit for him to find later.  It makes terrible puns about knocking ‘em dead and killing things in D&D, and it’s very loving.

I suppose what I’m really planning on doing is all the rewriting I’ve been avoiding for my grad school application.  I’m having one of those weeks where I am certain that I have no right at all to call myself a writer – just look at the drivel I’ve written –they will never accept me to grad school in a millennium.  I will be Denied.  There is no question.  It makes it hard to pitch in and slog through rewrites, even though I know it’s all in my mind.  I will go back to believing that I’m brilliant soon, I promise.  It’s just this week of weird weather and head colds that is getting me down.

But this weekend will be full of writing and mass quantities of Jasmine tea (overly sweet with sugar).  And then on Sunday, I will have a husband again.

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